Day Twenty One

It's been mostly crappy.  On Friday our embassy was the scene of a protest of several hundred people. They threw paint bombs and spray painted anti-American slogans on our exterior wall.  Arrests were made, and everything ended peacefully. This sort of thing has never happened while we've been here. I left work as soon as I heard the protesters were headed our way.  Mitch and I always had a rule that one of us is outside the embassy during any kind of protest in case we get locked in and can't leave.  Somebody has to be home to open those boxes of cereal for the kids. I should add that I definitely feel safe here, I just didn't want to be locked in without mah baybees.

The time difference between Kabul and Brasilia is 7.5 hours, so it's hard to find time to talk to each other.  Mitch is working 13 days on, one day off, and living in a box smaller than my master bathroom.  So, obviously, I can't complain to him when I can't answer the phone before the machine picks up because the house is so big.

Still, I'm doing okay.  The kids and I have slipped into a routine that works for us.  I've quit buying/preparing meat, and no one's really noticed that we're vegetarians now.  I think they're just surprised that I'm still cooking meals every night. And I've been working on the same bottle of wine for a week now.  It's more like salad dressing than wine at this point.  I'm considering opening a new bottle tonight, though, to celebrate making it through three weeks apart.  Only forty nine to go!

Today is 3.5 stars out of 5, because my hair didn't do that half-curly thing it always does.

Day Seventeen

Today was a reasonably good day.  I went out to lunch with the girls from the office, the kids had a half day of school, and Mitch sent me an iPad, which arrived in the DPO this afternoon.  Pretty sure it's just so he can Facetime with my boobs, but I'll take what I can get.  I wrote about porn on my work blog and didn't get fired, so almost nothing bad happened.

Day Sixteen

Today was a fail.  Henry broke his retainer and his orthodontist is no longer practicing, so I have to find a new one who, a) speaks English, and b) has parking.  I guess if he/she is a good orthodontist with credentials that would be on my list, too, but it's not nearly as important as the English and parking.

I woke everyone up at the usual time, 6:30 am, for a bus pick-up time of 7:20.  I packed lunches and then hopped in the shower.  At 7:10, I started counting heads and telling the kids to get their shoes on--the bus company hates it when we are late.

"Where's Olivia?"  No one had seen her (okay, this house is way bigger and more compartmentalized than our other one).  Luckily, we found her.  Still sound asleep in her bed.

Womp womp.

2 out of 5 stars today.

Day Fifteen

Sick day. Reading while all of our windows get covered in bars.

Now I can't be rescued from my tower.

Also, I worked from home today due to sick kids.  It's hard, working from home, what with all the interruptions and whatnot.

Day Twelve

I finally got to see my man's face and talk to him with my mouth instead of my fingers after twelve days today.  I didn't hear any gunfire in the background, which is kind of how I imagined it would be, because I've seen how it is on TV.  Related: don't watch Homeland if you can't sleep because your husband is in Afghanistan when he should be snoring next to you, especially a Homeland marathon. I just learned that.

Yesterday the girls went to another set of twin girls' house for a sleepover.  Around nine o'clock I got a call from Olivia.  "Mom, I need to be at home."  I hopped in the car and picked her up. Nothing happened, but she has been sticking to me like glue since Mitch left, and just didn't want to sleep anywhere but her own bed.  We went grocery shopping on the way home, because who takes their kids grocery shopping at 9:30 on a Saturday night?  Single moms, that's who.  Grace stayed at the sleepover and was fine.  In the morning, Olivia tried to FaceTime with Mitch, but her iPod was not linking to his iPad and she burst into tears.  Finally, Jack fixed the problem and she spent most of the morning FaceTiming with him.  I LOVE YOU, APPLE.

While I was off grocery shopping with Olivia, Jack invited five friends over for a card night.  I told him it was fine.  We actually prefer him to have kids at our house than have him off in a cab to some party, and even though we now live in a gated compound full of little kids, I figured some teenagers playing cards would be no problem at all.  They were just arriving when Olivia and I went to bed around 10:30, because: Brazil.  Around midnight, I woke to a full-blown party with a ton of kids in my yard.  Jack was all, "I can't get anyone to leave.  They all just showed up! I didn't invite them!"  Now, Jack's parties have gotten a little out of control with the noise before, but that was when we lived in a party neighborhood and no one cared.  Mitch and I would just put in earplugs and try to bear it, occasionally sneaking peeks out the window to make sure everyone was behaving. I even read him the riot act about our new neighborhood before I agreed to a card night.  Alas, something had to be done before my neighbors showed up at my door with pitchforks, so I had to kick all the kids out in my pajamas and no bra on.  HAHAHAHA!  Sorry, Jack.

Anyway, back to today.   My neighbor and bestie from a block over walked Henry home from his sleepover at her house with her family and two dogs just when I was making a huge batch of strawberry waffles.  She washed my dishes while I made waffles for everyone and her husband put together a shelf and our gas grill for me.  It really made my cold, black heart kind of warm.  They also showed me how to use the tivo thingie on our tv (which is all in portuguese) and I didn't even have to watch porn while they set it up.

I give today 4 out of 5 stars because I still got about six hours of sleep after I busted up the party with my jiggly old boobs, I unpacked almost all my boxes, and I love my new neighborhood, even if they all hate me after last night.  

Day Nine

Today started off with pretty much everything going wrong, but since it wasn't me in the smashed car on the JK Bridge that caused me to be stuck in traffic for an hour, it could definitely have been worse. Anyway, I am finally getting sort of caught up at work and can now walk by Mitch's office without wanting to cry (but I ain't going in there). There was no money in the cash machine at the embassy (again), and we were having a craft fair, but I had to save all my cash for gas, so I was sad for a minute.

The day turned around for me when the money truck pulled up.  I bought two paintings, two dozen empanadas for the kids' lunch boxes, and another one of the hand-carved wooden bowls I love.  I used up all the money in the money truck!  But it cheered me up, and I'm crazy about my paintings.  Then, I drove home without the GPS, which is a pretty big deal for me, and I even stopped at the nursery on the way home.  I have two giant planters that have dead plants in them, and I wanted to get something for the gardener to put in them tomorrow.  You guys, I asked for help and I'm pretty sure I walked away with good stuff!  I think I asked the lady, "I need some large shade plants or grasses for my pots that are on my patio and don't receive much sun."

Here is what I think the lady heard: "Big grass. No sun. Vase."   But still, I got the plants AND filled up the car with gas, so yay me!  I got home in time to meet the RSO (regional security officer) to talk about my alarm situation.  The situation being that the alarm goes off every hour during the night and I run downstairs to find Jack prowling around in his underwear with a knife, half asleep, but taking his job as man of the house quite seriously.  It's a good thing the alarm didn't wake up our valuable watch dog, because he would have been pissed.

Today is 3.5 stars, because I didn't have to do any Mitch jobs and I love my new paintings very much.  My friend Katie said to me (after I told her what I bought), "paintings are the new shoes!"  I hope not, because the money truck doesn't come that often to the embassy.

Day Eight

Holy heck, how did we make it to day eight?  I have lots to tell you about the last week, but I have a ton to do, so this will just be a quick update. The move lasted six days and included two hour naps on the lawn by the movers. Every day.  But no fear, they spread out flattened boxes for themselves to lay on. Everything sucked hard.  The car died and I had to jump-start the battery.  You guys, I barely know how to put gas in my car, let alone jump a battery, so there I was, standing out in the carport with a youtube video on my laptop, hoping I didn't blow myself up.  Amazingly, IT WORKED.  The car started right up.  I'm surprised I didn't feel awesome and accomplished about the whole thing, because everyone keeps telling me how good this will be for me, taking care of everything by myself.  All it made me feel was sad and irritated, but I WAS in the middle of watching the movers take naps on the lawn, so that may have had something to do it.

As of Monday, everything was moved into the house.  Graca, my awesome helper, came and spent eight hours unpacking with me.  God, I love her (even though she hangs my stainless steel measuring cups out of order).  I also baked bread and made homemade chicken noodle soup on Monday, because we all needed one meal that didn't come out of a bag.  The kids even had soup for breakfast the next day. Maybe they were worried there wouldn't be many home-cooked meals coming their way any more, and wanted to get it while the gettin' was good?  I don't know.

Yesterday, I ASSEMBLED FURNITURE WITH TOOLS.  I EVEN HAD TO USE A LEVEL.  I'll just let that sink in for a minute.......









Today we got cable and the World's Slowest Internet hooked up.  I have yet to connect my international phone, but I'll get it going by this weekend.  The internet guy showed me how to block porn while a porno was playing, so that was awesome.

I have hives, eczema, and pinkeye.  Basically, I'm  a walking pustule. Now that the move is over, I think/hope my skin will calm down. I haven't heard Mitch's voice since he left last Monday, but I have really good friends here that have been amazing and supportive, so we are really very lucky.   I have one room completely unpacked.  It's essentially a closet with a massage table set up in it, so my sense of accomplishment is minimal at best.  On that note, Karol will be here to give me a much-needed massage in about ten minutes, so I'm going to sign off. 

I'm going to give today three out of five stars, because I'm happy to be moved in and I got to watch some porn with a stranger. 

Day Two

This is the one in which I have to start doing husband jobs now that Mitch is gone, like disconnecting the computers and tvs and ohmygodwhyaretheresomanycords?  Today is moving day, and the movers arrived just before 9:00 am and started tearing through my stuff.  Things seemed to be going fairly well. I had the kids translate for me before they left for school (thank gah it was late start Wednesday), and I am a pretty good at charades, so I was able to convey what I wanted them to pack.  I had hidden the espresso machine, a mug, coffee, and milk in the refrigerator before they got here.  If there's one thing that I can't cope with, it's not having coffee when I wake up. "This is so awesome! At this rate we might be able to move in to the new house tomorrow!" thought I. Sometimes I can be pretty adorable with my cute way of thinking. Any time a mover found anything of possible value, he would bring it to me for safekeeping.  That is why my cargo pants are filled with broken cell phones right now.  And a Nintendo Gameboy, from like, the '90s. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out how to make the wifi work without the desktop's involvement, and you can bet I did a fair amount of cursing of the State Department, my husband, Brazil, the Taliban, and Al Gore for inventing the internet in the first place.  Anyway, you guys, I conquered my first Mitch job and I have internet for one more day!  I have leapt into the new millenium with both feet and did a computer thingie all by myself.

Around 11:30 or so, all the movers disappeared. My friend Katie came to visit and keep me company, so I made us both lattes from my hidden, refrigerated espresso maker.  You might not be surprised to know that the coffee came out of the machine COLD.  So, that was a disappointment. I finally found the movers napping in the backyard on flattened out boxes.  Around 1:30, they came back inside so they could pack my empty boxes in their boxes.  Really. I had placed all my appliance boxes in front of the appliances they belonged to, and they packed the boxes and the appliances SEPARATELY. Then, they packed maybe one box each until they went home at 4:00.  They have yet to pack half the downstairs and none of the upstairs has been touched.  They assured me (via Henry the Middle Child-who knew he could understand portuguese so well?) they would be done by tomorrow night, but I have my doubts.

The other Mitch job I have is to try and set up internet/cable at the new house, but the company in that neighborhood won't accept anything less than a newborn baby and a unicorn, and even though I offered them a ten year old and a Wheaten Terrier with a detachable gold-plated horn, they refuse to let me have their services, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail.

I give today about  three out of five stars, because I didn't cry and because my friend Jen reminded me to grab the wine bottle opener before they packed it.

Update: two out of five stars.  The car won't start.

Day One

I played hooky from work (don't worry, taxpayers, I didn't get paid!) yesterday so Mitch and I could celebrate eighteen years of wedded bliss:

We had a great day together and I felt pretty relaxed, which, for me, is a big deal lately.  We had a fancy-shmancy dinner date on Saturday, but our anniversary dinner was spent with the kids at our favorite restaurant last night. I had the worst caipirinha of my life. It was basically a bowl of grain alcohol. I drank the whole thing, because I'm not one to waste, you know?

Anyhoodle, we got up this morning and Mitch hauled his suitcases downstairs.  The kids were all brave and calm and gave him tearless hugs goodbye and hopped on the school bus.  I was doing a pretty good job of keeping my shit together, too (pharmaceuticals), until the maid came and I tried to tell her in my crappy portuguese that today is our last day living in this house and here is our new address. Oh! Also that my husband is going to Afghanistan for a year.  

Here is what I think she understands: 

I was crying.

My husband is leaving with a lot of suitcases.

We are leaving our home.

The awesome part is that my house was freaking IMMACULATE when I got home today, so I probably won't set her straight too soon. You guys, she cleaned the bottoms of my shoes. 

I told my friends not to be nice to me or give me sad looks today, but they did anyway. LUCKILY, I have a tear duct infection, and I'm pretty sure I flushed that fucker out. The kids are amazing. The school nurse did call today because Grace was inconsolable about losing a tooth. I explained that the tooth had nothing to do with it, spoke to Grace on the phone and told her I'd buy her some forbidden Lucky Charms at the commissary (desperate times), and she seemed fine after that.

The girls set five plates at the dinner table tonight.

One out of five stars for today. The one star was for my kids and friends being awesome.

The Lamest Update I Could Come Up With

What's going on around here: I'm working almost full time, which is killing me because I hate being out of my house. Also, it's hard to wear a bra all day like that. We're moving next week, to a house that doesn't have poisonous black mold seeping down the walls AND has a window in the kitchen.  It's also in a gated, guarded compound.  Mitch is packing for Kabul. He leaves next week. The girls are rolling around in the bedding he's taking so he can have the "love" they are rubbing into his blankie for him.

Suckage. I haven't even had time to properly shop for the rewards I'll be needing for getting through this crappy time period.  Kidding.  I picked up a few things.