Sunday, August 31, 2014

Too Stalkery?

Well, Jack is apparently too busy to give me full accounts of his days. I briefly texted with him yesterday, but he was very busy watching the USC-Fresno game at some Brazilian grad students' apartment. Here's what I know he did this weekend according to his debit card: bought a skateboard but not a helmet. Purchased something for $6 at Gateway Plaza Mall. Did one load of laundry.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Bad Habits

If all goes according to plan, my mate will be home this weekend and I plan to kiss the shit out of his face. My fingers are crossed that it actually happens though, because Uncle Sam has been kind of a dick to us lately. He won't let Mitch defer his required 30 day home leave until next summer when the kids are out of school, so we have two options. The kids and I can go to Brussels while he does home leave, or they will miss a month of school and we will all do home leave together. I refuse to tell my kids they won't see their dad for another month AFTER HE SERVED FOR OVER A YEAR IN A WAR ZONE FOR HIS COUNTRY. So they will miss a month of education but they will do it on American soil, dammit! We will be pinning all our hopes on Jack to support his siblings when they drop out of school because they fell behind. Pardon my French. I've been practicing on Duolingo for Pottymouths.

I'm a little nervous about Mitch coming home and discovering all the bad habits I've developed in his absence. I've whittled down my Brazilian heels by about 30%, so maybe he won't even notice? Plus, I've been hiding a bunch of shoes in "empty" boxes. Shhhhh.

When I am alone I don't sleep very well, so I've developed the habit of playing Candy Crush Saga in the middle of the night on my iPad. I'm horrified/embarrassed/ashamed that I am now on Level 488 and have plans to make it to 500 before he gets home.

I've always had a rule that everyone sits down to the table for dinner together every night, with the exception of Friday Family Movie and Pizza night. See how rigid I was? Anyway, I'm afraid dinner has devolved to pancakes and Netflix more often than not with just me and the three little ones left.

Grooming. If I'm not leaving the house, I don't even wear eyebrows anymore. Let alone comb my hair or get out of my pjs. I still bathe and brush my teeth; I'm not Olivia an animal or anything. 

Eating in bed. Every morning I practically have to carry all my dirty dishes downstairs in a laundry basket.

Sleeping on his side/in the middle of the bed. Because I can.

Sleeping with my iPad, laptop, two phones, the dog, and a Kindle. I have no idea why I'm too distracted to sleep well.

Watching entire seasons of TV shows in one day. House of Cards, Game of Thrones, Orange is the New Black, whatever. I won't stop until the final credits roll because who's there to judge me?

Alcohol. This one will surprise you guys. I quit! I know, I know, not drinking is not a bad habit per se, but I think I would be nicer if I drank a glass of wine now and then. I am trying to treat my body as a temple and only consume whole, healthy foods and drinks. I also want to be a fully present mother for my children. Haha! Kidding! I kill myself. Booze just doesn't go well with my pills vitamins.

Obsessively scanning the news. I'm hoping this resolves itself once Mitch is back in friendly territory.

Ignoring the mail. On his last R&R, Mitch started opening mail from the pile and found a bunch of medical reimbursement checks. He didn't think my excuse that the "mail looked boring" was very good.

Spitting my toothpaste out in the sink and not rinsing it out. This is one Mitch absolutely hates. I don't really like it either, but I do it because I CAN, bitches.

Speeding tickets. I have so, so many. I blame the pills vitamins.Wait, no. I blame Obamacare. Benghazi? Either way, I'm going to have to figure out how to pay them or they won't let me leave Brazil. 

Wow. That is a really long list. Maybe I'll just wear a really low-cut top and he won't notice all the bad habits. 

Friday, August 22, 2014

And Then There Were Four of Us

My firstborn left us for college last weekend. It was hard on me, but Olivia totally stole my thunder and cried her eyes out at the airport.

Why don't they tell you about the part where your kid leaves you during sex-ed class? 

The next day, Olivia and Seamus cried for hours on Jack's bed while Henry and Grace buzzed about the room grabbing everything that wasn't nailed down .

I barely heard from Jack the first few days. My amazing friend Katie took him shopping at Target, so I was able to get a little information from her. Finally, though, he needed a favor. He wanted me to check something on his old laptop. I held the information hostage until he chatted with me AND sent me a picture of his dorm. If that's the way it has to be, I can play along. I'm holding the purse strings, after all. He wasn't able to pick up the linen package we ordered him for several days after he moved in, so according to Mitch he slept on balled up sweatshirts and dried himself off with a shirt. He told ME he already had his linens so I wouldn't pester him and fret.

These are the kind of conversations we've been having.

Since he refuses to tell me any details because he's a grown-ass man, I've had to resort to stalking his debit card, which is linked to our account. So far I know he's eaten at Subway and a couple of burrito places. He bought a lightbulb at the University Bookstore. What? Everybody stalks their kids via their bank accounts, don't they?

On Monday morning, I got a call from the middle school. Olivia had a terrible stomachache and needed to be picked up. I left work, but when I got to the school she seemed fine. This is when she confessed that it wasn't her stomach that hurt, but her heart. We went home, got in our pjs and watched 80s movies together for the rest of the day. We will get there, but I don't like all this extra room in my nest.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014


"Who are you playing xBox with, Henry?"

"Pedophiles, mom!"