Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Rodent Hunger Games

The Tributes

From District 1: Forty-something year-old architect.
Weapon of choice: Cell phone

From District 2: Thirty-two (shut up, it's my story) year-old housewife.
Weapon of choice: Blood-curdling screams

From District 3: Sixteen year-old gangly boy/man. Special note: Boy/man is a VOLUNTEER
Weapon of choice: Bow and arrow. Also wields a mighty sarcastic tongue.

From District 4: Eleven year-old boy.
Weapon of choice: xBox ("What? we had a rat?")

From District 5: Nine year-old girl.
Weapon of choice: Compassion for the cute widdle rat, combined with worry for the tribute from District 7.

From District 6: Nine year-old girl
Weapon of choice: No weapon, but an amazing ability to climb onto the back of white sofas while wearing dirty shoes.

From District 7: Seven year-old Wheaten Terrier
Weapon of choice:  Teeth, man.

From District Hell:  A frucking rat
Weapon of choice: What weapon? He's a RAT. He holds all the cards.

The Arena

Guest bathroom in main part of an embassy house, Brasilia, Brazil

The Battle

Tribute from District Hell is trapped underneath bathroom cabinet by tribute from District 7.  Tributes from Districts 2 and 6 are screaming and climbing on top of furniture.  The tribute from District 4 beats a level in Minecraft.  The tribute from District 5 is wringing her hands but holding back, worried that an arrow will ricochet off the tile and harm the tribute from Distrist 7.  Tribute from District 1 is frantically dialing the facilities maintenance people at the embassy getting ready to kick some ass. An alliance is formed as the volunteer from District 3 wolfs down his morning Cheerios, grabs a bow and begins shooting arrows under the cabinet at the tribute from District Hell, who is flushed out just as the school bus arrives. Volunteer from District 3 rushes out to the bus while tribute from District 7 makes his move and...... CRUUUUUNCH.  The tribute from District Hell falls just before the Peacekeeper from the embassy arrives, armed with a trap and poison. Tribute from District 1 disposes of the fallen tribute while the tribute from District 2 takes a full Silkwood Shower.

The Victor

And may the odds be ever in my favor that there is no sequel.