Home

When we last left our heroine, she was recovering from surgery in the ever-fabulous-but-chilly Estados Unidos while her husband kept the home fires burning in Brazil by throwing the children into death-defying situations and having them *gasp* make their own lunches.  

Currently, however, I am writing this from my hammock at home in Brazil.  I would snap a picture of my feet with the lush greenery and sunshine in the background, but then I would have to get up to get the camera, and, well, I've got no uterus with which to get up with.  Also, I need a pedicure. Anyway, YAY! I am home with my babies. They had no idea I was coming home, they just walked in the door from school and there I was. I even got two hugs from my teenager. My medical clearance was reinstated last Tuesday, so I packed my bags with Halloween candy, bloody body parts (which were a definite hit with the security officers at the airport--also, I should clarify that these were not real body parts, despite what my friend Leanne thinks), painkillers, and gifts for the kids.  The flight itself was grisly, involving me running through the Minneapolis airport carrying my broken rolling carry-on (sorry, doc!), getting forced to check said carry-on, forgetting that all my painkillers were in said carry-on and would remain so until I got home the next day. All's well that ends well, however, and I couldn't be more thrilled to be home. And none too soon, I might add. I was getting calls that were growing increasingly frantic in nature.

"We're doing great!"

"We're doing great, but when are you coming home?"

"Everything is falling apart! The bus came this morning and Jack was making a sandwich in his underwear".

"No one has any uniforms. The kids think Graca is selling their shorts. When are you coming home?" Graca is our cleaner. She deserves a huge tip after the last three weeks.

"My throat hurts from yelling at the kids.  How do you keep them from leaving their crap everywhere?"

"Grace lost her Kindle.  She had it when we were camping.  Any idea where it might be?" Um, they were camping after I left, so, no.  I had no idea.

"Uh, honey, you cleaned out the checking account."  Okay, so that technically wasn't my fault. While I was massively drugged out on painkillers, I had a foggy idea that I might die,  so from my hospital bed I ordered a bunch of food, clothes, and shoes for the kids in their next sizes up, then promptly forgot about it.  But, it's sweet, right, how I was caretaking my family from 10,000 miles away and living in an alternate chemical reality?

I was able to go to the kids' school conferences on Friday, where I learned that Olivia cried every day that I was gone, but is excellent at math. I was just happy to hear that she's more or less wearing shoes this year. I also "learned" that Grace talks a lot and loves performing.  Henry, in typical fashion, is excelling at flying mischieviously under the radar, and Jack is, well, okay, I'm not sure about Jack. I got tired out after seeing his first teacher, but his grades are awesome, so if his teachers think I'm a lousy mother for not going to all his conferences, then so be it. A uterus-less woman can only do so much, you know (and yes, I've been using this excuse a lot, why do you ask?).

After conferences was the Embassy Trick or Treat. I was able to get the girls' hair and make-up done, but was so wiped by that time that I spent the rest of the day sitting on a chair outside Mitch's office handing out my American candy.  The kids had a blast trick or treating at all the offices with their friends, though.

I am being eaten alive by mosquitos right now, but the electric mosquito racket is inside with the camera, and you know how the rest of this story goes....